In 1997! 

I was 17 and had begun living on the streets of West End, London.  Not because of unfortunate circumstances, but by choice.  I had had enough of being a part of mainstream society and I saw that no one within that system was truly satisfied and even those at clubs where everyone ‘let their hair down’ and seemed so free, ties their hair back up on Monday for work.  So I opted out in search of something radical and different.
            Homelessness.  I ‘m free, I thought.  I was doing it, where ever I la my hat, that’s my home.  No possessions.  If I need anything I’ll just ask my fellow human beings for some money to get it, right?  Wrong.  Did I really need all those drugs that I conned people to give me money for?  I mean, come on, who was I kidding?  I was a leach, I hated responsibility and working for someone else, but I liked having money and having a good time and not having to do anything for it.  For awhile I was satisfied, but only superficially.  I knew it wasn’t the end of the road.
            Two years later in 1999 I was 19 and still on the streets when I met someone who was just passing through and seemed different.  He talked about ‘One spirit’ and read tarot cards, played a drum, you know, the hippie type.  And this opened up a new way of life for me.  Wow, magical and mystical, maybe this will satisfy me.
            I left the West End and we traveled a bit together then got a flat in Hastings.  I thought this was love and it would last forever, but the new mystical realm I was in was so self glorifying.  I was convinced I was a wolf spirited shamanic priestess, last week I was a fairy.  To my mind the wind was either blowing because it wanted to communicate with me or my subliminal thoughts were commanding it to.  Everything centered around him.  Trouble was obviously looming.
            So just when we thought we’d never grow up the seeds or responsibility began to sprout and I fell pregnant in September 1999.  Oh yes, there it was, reality.  You can close your eyes and try to avoid it, but you know you’re going to bump into it sooner or later.  The prospect of having a child to care for and teach certainly threw a spanner in our selfish plans.  And looking back I can honestly say I’m thankful something woke me up.
             Now that reality would follow us around it became a great party pooper where ever we went and I as waking up to my conscience which I had been suppressing for years.  Responsibility, accountability, responsibility, accountability.  The words went around my mind many times and I know they went around his too.  We could’ve made a choice to change and give it a go, but we had been running away from the messes we had made all our lives, we weren’t about to stop and face things now. 
            After 4-5 months the good feelings sere definitely over and he walked away and to be honest, if I had not been the one carrying the child I know I would have too.  I got a bed sit on my own and considered my life and the things I had done, and what I could offer the growing child inside of me.  Love was the only thing worth offering, but even with this most important thing I saw I had no idea of what it really was.  I had completely confused good feelings for live, but I saw that when the good feelings run out there is nothing left.
            The culmination of all I had experienced in my life had taught me nothing.  Nothing of value anyway.  I could teach my child how to con people, how to be a bum, how to wrangle the dole system, how to drink and smoke, how to be defiled and unclear, which is what I had become.  But, I knew that the child inside of me was clean and new and it gave me hope that I too could somehow have a second chance. Being pregnant spoke to me of how life should be, but by the things I had done I had gained so little and lost so much.  I felt like I would never be worthy to even touch my child because my hands were so filthy.  I almost hated that it was growing inside me because I knew I was now a worthy dwelling place for something so clean.  I didn’t want the darkness in my heart to affect this defenseless and trusting little child.  I determined in my heart that I was going to find out what love was and peace and unity were not going to be hippie slogans anymore.  I was going to get it.
            My father once told me, “You’ll never change the world, you can’t.”  But now I as going to.  If it was really true that I couldn’t change and the way things are is just the way things are then I don’t know, maybe I would’ve just gone crazy out of hopelessness.  There has to be more to life than just being selfish, don’t you agree?  If here isn’t than what’s the point?  If love is only a dream then we might as well give up now.  But, we know it’s not true because we were made to love.
            I set off to find out what love was and I knew I couldn’t stop until I found it.  I went to see the Krishna’s and the Buddhists and even Christianity, I looked into all kinds of theories and philosophies, but it was all just compromise – there wasn’t life and there wasn’t love.
            Even though I had lived a life estranged from true love and I wasn’t totally sure what I was looking for, somehow I felt like if I found it, it would know me.  I wanted to be welcomed in like an old friend or like a sheep gone astray from the flock, as that is what I felt like. 
            Well, May 2000 I gave birth to a little girl and surprise surprise, I had no idea how to take care of her.  Before she was even 12 weeks old she had already been to two festivals, had chicken pox, hitched around, camped out, done a mini fast, slept with crystals on her and taken a cold shower!  I so obviously needed help and it was after I returned from Glastonbury that year that I as totally finished with my hippie lifestyle as I saw that there was no room for children.  It was great when I was without my daughter, but with her I couldn’t get wild and take drugs and stay up all night because I knew it was wrong.  I knew it would defile her.  The life I had been leading was one only for good feelings and selfishness.  After I came back a friend showed us a 12 Tribes Free Paper called Alien Ant.  He was always finding interesting alternative magazines, but when I read this one I saw it was different.
            As soon as I could I got my baby ready to go hitch hiking for the last time and traveled with a friend to Stentwood Farm, Devon.  We showed up on their doorstep in the pouring rain out of the blue and they welcomed us in and were so kind to us.  They helped me with my daughter where others had been afraid to speak before.  We stayed as guests for two weeks and during that time I received love from people who had absolutely no reason to love me and who had no ulterior motives.  Their motives were good and the intentions of their heart clean.  They spoke of the son of God calling him Yahshua and how he loved so much that he died for us, for me.
            I watched how they had deep relationships with each other and went out of their way, continually to show love.  They were all very nice to us, but there was something special between them that I was outside of. 
            Like water gushing out of a rock, my heart was being touched and the words it had been speaking to me all my life were beginning to make sense.  I was so desperate for life that I gave up my act.  I was no longer afraid to take off my mask and expose what I knew everyone at this community could already see.  I cried out for a new heart and a new mind, a clear conscience, and forgiveness for the things I dad done in my life which I knew were wrong.
            Finally I was free from the cycle of passing on to your children what’s been passed of to you and so on and so on.  Where no one can get out of the hamster wheel.  All you can do is try to run faster, but now I was off and no longer a slave to that.   I could have power over my soul and my flesh and my selfish desires.  I could actually teach my daughter only what was pure, only what is love because I was being re-taught all that I thought I knew.    Now my daughter wouldn’t grow up like I did, not knowing why she is alive and what her purpose is.  She can be a peace maker and not a business woman or a hippie, but a friend and a humble, hospitable, loving servant. She can now have the chance to know what a conscience is and how to keep it clean.  She will keep her virginity and be married to one person. 
            A parent always wants something better for their children than what they had; well now I don’t.  I want for her exactly what I have – that is this life.  We honestly don’t deserve it.  To live somewhere where people don’t leave or walk out on you, where no one takes care of their own needs, but each looks out for the needs of others.  A place where the children grow up amongst people they know love them and work alongside their parents every day.  There are no bastards, no orphans, a place where love rules and hate is being bound and cast outside.  People are becoming human beings again and doing what they were made to do – love.
            One big family, a real family.  Blood is thicker than water, but spirit is thicker than blood, and that is what we are held together by.  The spirit of the one person ever who didn’t sin, who always loved even when it hurt or was hard.  His name is Yahshua and it means powerful to save. 
            I spent all my life trying to escape the boundaries of normal existence thinking that if I traveled to a new place or country, or read different books I could, but it’s a spiritual thing, a matter of the heart.  I didn’t matter where I went I always took myself with me.  I needed to come out of that kingdom of darkness where self rules and come into a kingdom of light.  That’s the difference, the way out, the escape I was looking for.  Yahshua broke me out of that world I was in, brought me into a new social order where everything we do comes from a place of love, because we are eternally thankful for the fresh new start we’ve been given.  We are saved from death and the boundaries of normal existence have been broken.  Come and visit and see our life of love.